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Feb. 13th, 2007


You don't feel me.. anymore..

I'm going to start updating this thing. I seriously need to get some frustration and aggression out that has been fastly increasing in the last few months or so.

I'll just start from the beginning:

I spoke with my grandmother the other day and she informed me that my mother would be staying in prison for atleast 5 years at the most. I know she's totally freaked about it and as much as I'd love to see her out of that place.. I think she really needs it. She needs to find herself again. Away from all her "so-called friends".

Alisha and I have been "talking" I guess you could say. We aren't dating or anything and I'm to the point where I don't think we ever will. It's been so long since I've dated someone and actually put alot of interests in someone.. That was actually on my level. I'm just really afraid of being with someone. I know how long it's been and I know how I am... I just know that it would completely shred me. I dread it to say the least, yet I absolutely yearn for it. I mean, seriously, I'm going to be 24 in less than 2 weeks. I'm ready to find someone and quit fucking around. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE traveling, meeting new people, and just having a blast.. But there comes a time when I just want someone to share it with. The only thing with that is, we have almost next to nothing in common. I like punk rock, dress totally different than she does, and we're just on different lengths here, however, our personalities in a way are quite similar. Except for the fact, that I'm this huge unvoiced-raging feminist and she puts herself out to be used. I guess that's one part I really hate about her. I don't think any woman should feel confined and tied down.. not even being able to choose their place of employment. And as most of you know, I'm extremely modest.. and she's just... not. I speak my mind when it comes to things that are sexual, yet I'm not going to strip down or wear something "slutty" just so I can get what I want. I think it's digusting and intolerable. Speaking of which, there have been times when my horomones get the best of me. I'm not going to lie. Actually, here lately it has been worse than ever. I try to be respectful as much as possible, but there is just so much I can take. Not to mention everyone at Domino's is HIGHLY nosey so it's really hard to actually act on our feelings.. that and the fact that she has a boyfriend and everyone up there knows him including me, doesn't help much either. No matter what, one of them says "oh well, I'll just tell joe" like it's any of their business in the first place. I mean honestly, she wouldn't be coming to me if she was happy. Obviously, she's not and I don't blame her. Any woman that's restricted and tied down in any form or fashion isn't going to be happy. It just doesn't work that way. It's very hard to cope with. Both of us are so.. not serious.. we try to find amusement out of the smallest things and just have a good time. Us together is just a total joke. It's hard to tell whether or not either of us is being serious or not. Which causes a block in the whole "liking" thing. I try at times to be straight forward, but it's such a complicated situation.. I know it's going to end up killing me. Especially because of the fact we're both pretty much unstable right now. I have my own problems and she has hers as well.. I just wish I had someone there to help me through them. I know that's alot to ask and no one can be there ALWAYS.. that's not really what I'm wanting. Just comfort to know that I'm worthly of existance.. not only by my friends, but someone who cares for ME.

Someone just please, shoot me, spare me the agony of Valentines day.

Jan. 15th, 2007

I hate life..

This whole beginning of the year has totally sucked. I ended up spending it with Luke at some random local punk show.. rather boring if you ask me. I would have much rathered going to Oaklawn to S4, atleast that way I could have made an attempt at talking to someone. Although, it's kind of hard going to a gay club when you're spending New Years with a straight guy. Anyway, it just made me realize how incredibly lonely I am. I guess I never really paid attention to it, but as soon as it hit midnight and people started making out with their sig others.. I felt ill and just.. unwanted.

A few days ago I delivered to a girl I found attractive and it seemed at the time like she was hitting on me, however, she wasn't.. I suppose she was drunk, which I can't stand.. either you're gay/bi/or straight there is no "oh, lets get drunk and act gay". Anyway, just another let down. I'm seriously starting to lose my will to talk to girls.. And that very reason did not help anything but lower my self esteem. I just don't understand how I'm complimented at shows or when I'm away from home, yet not once while I'm here. I just feel so down and out.. All I bother doing anymore is getting drunk or high so I don't think about it.

As Nukka, stated whoever "SHE" is.. I don't believe in her. I found what I thought was everything I wanted and it ended up being yet another loss. Obviously, I'm meant to be this way or it would not be happening. Maybe I'm overlooking something? I never could tell with those kinds of things. Ugh, screw it. I hate life..

Dec. 30th, 2006

Brace yourself..

Ugh, I needed a place to rant so I come here.. How sad is that? Anyway, I fucking hate my new store. It's just awful. No one ever knows what's what or what fucking apartment complex you're delivering to. Half of the time when you ask the customer THEY don't even know. How do you NOT know where you live? Christ. Anyway, it's just awful.. On with the rant:

I just feel like everyone I'm relatively close to goes away. My mom for one.. two fucking years and no physical contact.. only letters and I'm lucky if I get one of those. I just feel like she has given up hope in me. ;'( Next was LynZ and I don't even WANT to go there. Half of the people I communicate with on a daily basis have either stopped talking to me completely or don't half as much as they used to. But who am I to blame them? It's hard to communicate with someone that's always so negative and down on themselves.. Even when I'm caught with a glimpse of happiness it's overrun by me over-anaylzing almost everything. I seriously need to learn how to let shit go. It's hard though when basically all you do is devote your life to one thing only.. having to work all the time (even holidays) and not being able to associate with friends.. I'd give anything to just pack my shit right now and go somewhere.. anywhere.

Dec. 13th, 2006

I really miss..

The original My Ruin

Tairrie B is a very nice lady.

Dec. 11th, 2006

There goes that girl again..

Today was a total fuck fest at work. No matter which way you turned there was some asshole breathing down your neck. The more and more it happened the more I got pissed. Not to mention it being football (fags) day it was hella slammed. I couldn't stand around for a second without having some irate customer bitch about their pizza being late. *sighs* I really hate the pizza industry. If it were possible to blow every single pizza franchise up with one press of a button I'd totally do it. I hate that I take on too many things at once. If I took on one thing at a time instead of worrying about 923849238492834 other things.. I don't think I'd be so spazzed out and upset all the time. I just need something to occupy my time with so I don't analyze things. I draw to far into things sometimes. Ah well, things will be better. I'm trying to think positive here.

Dec. 10th, 2006

This is the dope shit

Okay, well, I'm moving next Monday and I'm totally excited. I can't wait to get away from these people. They're no good for me. I've also been thinking alot about quitting smoking. I've been smoking 2 packs a day here lately and it's killing me. I also started smoking... again.. which will soon come to stop. I can't handle it anymore. I'd rather keep the senses I have and enroll in school next semester. Unfortunately, since the next semester starts in January and I still haven't signed up I have to wait until April. :( So, I've decided on giving that guy a call again and taking up bass lessons possibly praticing for awhile until I get up to par to join some sort of band. It'll give me something to do when I'm not working. Just something... I'm tired of being so bored all of the time.

Dec. 6th, 2006

Kill your school

So, I woke up randomly out of a dead sleep. I'm not quite sure what I was dreaming about or even if I want to know. My last thoughts before going to sleep weren't very pleasant. Anyway, things have been kind of down lately. I don't really feel like doing anything. I've been so lazy and I move in less than 2 weeks. I started packing yesterday, but didn't have time to finish. I'm hoping getting out of Mesquite will do me some good. I honestly can't stand this town.

Nov. 28th, 2006

CA Trip

Rokout Festival with MSI and Prodigy

We got to the airport pretty early and ate at this place called "aubon pain" or something like that. It wasn't too great. Anyway, the flight to LA was tiring. It seemed like it was never going to end. We had a few Jack and Cokes though.. ehh, well, I did. Luke just drank water. All of the people there seemed to be nice. I was a bit worried at first from all the awful things I hear about LA people. But it was the exact opposite. I got so many compliments on jacket at the show it was ridiculous. :D Butttttt we had alot of trouble with the VIP thing. No one seemed to know what was going on with it and security was tight as fuck! They ended up making me throw away my camera. The whole setup was fucked. There were 4 different bracelets going around. One for crew/band members, one for promotion, one for vip, and the other for the upgraded vip. Well, supposibly.. Long story short, we wasted $300 and got screwed. First we were sitting backstage talking with Galus, The one guy that I can never remember his name, Aaron, and Jimmy for awhile. Jimmy gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug and I told him MS NUKKA wanted him to call her on my cell later. He smiled and agreed and walked back into the room. Kitty came out with Jimmy, but she didn't stop and LynZ and Steve were in their room. It was kind of cool how they had the rooms setup. Then this guy said something about we had to leave and the guy that said we were allowed worked for him. I didn't believe him so I just stood there looking at him like he was an idiot. But Luke went right on with him and gave up his bracelet. -.- Anyway, after bitching for awhile they told us to take it up with the promoter(who should be shot). Then I was walking around during the first bands and ran into LynZ and Steve. I gave LynZ her present! She loved it! :D Steve asked me if I was feeling better and how everything was ect. I wish. Anyway, then I hugged them both and this kid came up so they walked off. I ended up losing Luke in the midst of this so I went back inside to look for him. I was walking around the sound booth thing and ran back into LynZ and Steve again. I hugged them both again and they kept walking towards backstage..

The first few bands sucked royally. I wasn't really paying attention to any of them. Then we got up front with these 2 girls who had been waiting outside as long as we had. They were pretty much awesome. :) Shiny Toy Guns just annoyed me. The whiney vocals made me want to die. lol Then MSI goes on and it was fabulous as always except none of the crowd caught on to Jimmys little rants and antics. So while he was going on about what year is it and ect.. I scream out 1989 before he can even say it. lmfao LynZ looked at me and frowned and said "you aren't supposed to say it before!" and i said "no one else would have!" lol Their was set was pretty slim. Afterwards, no one came out or anything. I figured it would be out of respect for Prodigy possibly. It being their festival and all. Although, I ran into Steve afterwards. He was complaining about one of the djs then I hugged him again and he left. Then we ran into those 2 awesome girls again and hung out with them for awhile while Prodigy was on. They fucking owned! Except the sound for the venue was complete shit. No matter who was playing it just sounded weird and some background parts were cut out b/c of it. Anyway, we waited around for Mindless but no luck. I felt so bad for Nukka. :( After awhile the girls ended up leaving and it was totally boring. Finally this guy let us backstage and we went to MSI's room. This guy was EXTREMELY drunk and kept slurring and spilling his beer on me. So we ended up leaving after awhile and I felt like I was going collapse from standing for so long. Luckily, we still had a case of beer in the car so we drank a few at the hotel and passed the fuck out.

T.S.O.L., Dead Beat Dads, and Black Flag

The next day I searching around on the net and found a show in Long Beach with TSOL. We ended up going down there, but got lost on the way. CA is so fucking confusing. So we get there and go to the bar ect.. Then this fucking dickhead security guard harrasses me b/c he thinks I'm underage. -.- The entire time we were there he was talking shit to me. Fucking pissed me off.. TSOL was on when we walked in and fucking rocked. Dead Beat Dads went on and I fell in love. LMFAO They played a cover of The Misfits and as soon as he said "FUCK YOU!" the entire floor went insane. It was amazing! I just wish I had my camera so I could have recorded it. Amazing show. After awhile I got tired of being harrassed by that guy and we left.


Well, I'm moving into my new apartment Dec 18th and I'm so freaking excited! I'll finally be living back in Dallas and not shitty Mesquite. I hate it there. Ugh, other than that things are okay. I'm going to try and start school at AID at the beginning of next year! :) Hopefully, if things go as planned. Anyway, I have company so I'm off.


Oct. 30th, 2006

All Freaks Halloween Fest

Well, both of my planes were delayed from Dallas to St Louis and from 2 hours delayed from Chicago to Toledo.. so I ended up missing my plane to Toledo and had to sleep in the airport all night. I obviously couldn't so they rescheduled me for 7 am in the morning. After not sleeping, I ended up falling asleep, they changed the gate number, and I missed my plane AGAIN! So, after finally getting to the Hotel in Toledo, the taxi guy says he'll be there in 20 minutes. I did my hair in less than 10 seconds and was off to the show. When I got there it was raining and 30-40 degrees outside. Luckily, I saw Rob(Dobber) and he gave me his VIP pass to hold on to so I could go inside and wouldn't freeze. However, we ended up getting pretty drunk outside instead of helping with the crew. lol Then the show went on ect.. Some girl was a total bitch to me, but after going through so much shit I was tired of everything. Anyway, we hung out, walked around, went back stage and got drunk off of jack and cokes. *drools* Then, I ran into several people that knew me off the boards and off of myspace. Got to meet Jason, Justin, Misty, and alot of people from the forums I run and myspace. It was pretty cool. Justin and I got hit on quite a bit. It was great. :) Then, we talked to Steve for awhile and he tried to get me to explain to these little fangirls why they weren't allowed to steal his clothes. Haha. Then, I talked to Jimmy for like 2 seconds, Kitty for awhile, and LynZ ran into me while I was coming back from the bar. I was so out of it from lack of sleep though it was terrible. Then this girl Dawn kept following me around and trying to make out with me.. she was too cute though. Anyway, I talked to LynZ for awhile and motioned for her to go ahead of me.. So, she smiled really big and went on her way. Afterwards, I walked around and talked to several people I knew online ect.. I got to meet Sarah, which was cool. Jimmy was happy to see her. Justin and I made fun of Living Dead before MSI and Jimmy came out and made fun of them as well. ROFL I talked to Kevin for sometime and took a pic with Rob. He said we had to pose together so I agreed. :) Next we went around looking for LynZ because my cab was on it's way. We walked around for a few minutes then ran into Steve outside.. Told me bye and I'd see him later and he went and passed out on the bus. So, we sat on the steps talking then the door flys open and out walks LynZ. I told her all the shit that had happened and she hugged me and she asked if it was worth it. OF COURSE! :D Afterwards, I said bye because they had a 10 hour drive to NJ and a show to play there last night. So yeahhhhhhhhh Pics:

Dobber and I

Mrs LynZ and I :)



Steve, Righ?


Oct. 18th, 2006

Ed Gein Report

"The Grandfather of Gore"
based on a true story
by wg

Although, many murderers and serial killers have left their mark throughout the years, nothing withstands the atrocities of Edward Theodore Gein. Not only did he inspire the basis of several classic horror films, but he also inspired various killers throughout U.S. history. Let's just start from the beginning:

Edward was born to George and Augusta Gein of Plainfield, Wiscounsin on August 27, 1906. From the beginning, Ed had been favored by his mother over his brother, Henry. His mother was a very strong woman and very strict when it came to Christianity and the "lords good work". She was always spouting off lines of her deeply religious faith to her family, especially to Ed. He absolutely loved his mothers scriptures and always looked forward to them. Ed's father on the otherhand was a bad alcoholic, which was barely recognized and deliberately ignored by both of his sons. Only spoken to if to spite them; Even his wife, Augusta, considered him a nonentity. George thought of Ed to be a "sissy", and easily upset over something.. never tending to the sensitivity of his son. Ed became extremely devoted to his mother and caring for her every need. This eventually composed a losely base of "Robert Bloch's Psycho" written in 1960, along with Alfred Hitchcock's screenplay of a son, Norman Bates, caring and devoting himself to his (as shown in the movie, but eventually sout out to be false) reclusive and invalid mother. Many saw to him as being a "mamas boy". Someone so small and secluded from society, that he could never commit such unspeakable acts as he commited as an adult. He was always blaming his "sex problems" as he put it, on his mother. In 1957, Ed was under investigation for murder. Edward Gein gave the following testimony:

"She should have made me a girl. I almost never went out with girls. I was afraid of them. All I could think of was my mother, and how much I really loved her. I used to wonder if some kind of operation could change me into a woman. I used to read alot in books about anatomy."

As for his father, he began to grow weaker from the alcohol, and died at the age of 66 with pints of pneumonic fluid on the lungs. Rumor was that he died with a smile of relief on his face. Both sons didn't seem to be bothered by it, but more releaved to have their beloved mother to care for. His brother, Henry, was more of a hunting type. Although, everytime Ed saw even a managled buck his stomach would turn with naseau. This eventually caused Ed to be the laughingstock of the locals during hunting season. He was known as a slow boy, always caring for his mother. After their father past, the brothers became closer, but one evening Ed came in to tell his brother about a fire that had started. The trees were so dry and dead around the Gein house. Henry soon disappeared and Ed was questioned by the sheriffs. Ed went on to tell them about his brother that was caught in the fire. Upon appoarching his badly burned brother he exclaimed "No pulse.. My brother's got no pulse". Although burns covered half of his head, the rest of his body seemed to be unharmed. Henry Gein was found to have died from heart failure, effected by asphyxiation. After Henry had passed, it caused a deep sence of misery with his mother. Having left only her weak and devoted son, Ed. But as Ed saw things, he was the perfect son; extremely devoted and loving of his mother. Soon, Ed began spending most of his time reading different articles from magazines, books on anatomy, and the legendary anthropophagi (gouging out the eyes of dead enemies, sew the lids shut, then use the head for the shrinking processes.) His mother thought of it as garbage and sinful, full of profanity. He was always doing little jobs all over town, but was soon questioned when his eyes began to wander and become obsessed with the female form. He was now in his mid 30's and his shyness towards women began to wear off. Back at the Gein house, things began to crumble pretty fast. Losing his father, then his brother soon after, and his mother began to grow extremely weak; only being held up by the help of her son. She ended up having a stroke one afternoon while Ed had gone out to get groceries. Ed exclaimed to the doctors that he would not leave her with a nurse, a complete stranger and instead, we would care for her. She always spoke about how Ed would be lost in a world without her. He stood by his mother and asked to god why his mother had to suffer. He would stay by her side while in the hospitals giving her little prayers, however, she soon died and was buried within a week. Ed began to grieve over his mothers death as his darkside because to greatly increase. He often visited his mother grave just to tell her of his day and how deeply she was missed. But soon he became even more interested in the female body and would sometimes dig up certain graves for specific parts of women that had been buried the previous day. When questioned about his murders of women he stated that the women he had killed had been graves he had dug up. He had been studying more frequently on the infamous "She-Wolf". (Notoriously known to have forced craftsmen amoung the death-camp prisoners to make lamp shapes and bookbindings, however, the material used had been the skin of their fellow inmates.) Also, reading about how she would rip off the flesh of her victims, wrapping them over a hollow cylinder, and making drums out of them. She had often kept collections of male sexual organs, preserving them in a jar of formaldehyde. All of this information seemed to give Ed great amusement. After being examined by the district attorneys in 1957, Ed admitted to having the remains of up to eleven women stored in the midst of his house. He had also admitted to cutting off the face of his victims and wearing them for his own sick gradification, which lies the screenplay of the famous "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", a story of a man, Leatherface, born with a skin disease. Often wearing the faces of his victims to cover up his own sick disorder.

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